Jim's Surgery and the Fake Nurse's 20 Step Program

It's over with. Jim had his out-patient surgery and he is currently on the mend. I'm thinking maybe I need another solo trip to Guanajuato. Just kidding.

We scheduled a surgery date with the Urologist we had heard rave reviews about in Mazatlan, Dr. Aduelo. He speaks beautiful English and had just returned from the U2 concert in Mexico City. He said even his Lady Gaga loving kids thought that U2 and the spectacle surrounding the event ROCKED! Pretty cool. Dr. Aduelo suggested that Jim come in the very next morning for his cyst amputation. Yes, this was an amputation... not just an extraction. The difference is about 5 cm. In other words, the cyst was very large. Since Jim decided he needed mental time to prepare, the surgery was scheduled for... the day after. Wow.

Dr. Aduelo suggested that we use the Hospital Clinica del Mar. He rents space from the hospital and it is cheaper than Sharp's Hospital, the expat favorite. The facilities were clean, professional, and tranquil. The surgery took about an hour.

The doctor prescribed medication prior and I had gone to the pharmacy to pay for them and pick them up. One drug, Mobic, was an injection ampule. It was Jim's pain meds. Very necessary. Never mind that I have never given an injection in my life.  No biggie... I watched a YouTube video on how to bestow his "happy place" cocktail. I was now a real fake nurse. My theatre degree has taken on a new meaning.

How I learned  to administer an IM injection for fake nurses... (real nursy talk for "shot in the butt"):

1. Break glass head off ampule (glass vial); suck serum from ampule into the syringe by pulling plunger up.
2. Make sure all air is out of syringe by thumping syringe with middle finger.
3. Squish plunger down a bit to ensure any baby bubbles are removed; meds squirt out a tad.
4. Draw an imaginary cross on bun - Hot Cross Buns.
5. Pick a spot on the right upper quadrant of Hot Cross Buns.
6. Take alcohol saturated cotton pad and swirl around on right upper quadrant part of bun to sterilize poking area.
7. Smile sweetly and tell patient to relax.
8. Take butt skin between thumb and index finger of left hand and pull tight.
9. Make sure bevel (or hole) on needle is poking up.
10. Tell patient to relax.
11. Jab needle down at 90* angle (needle points to Hell) in the taut skin between thumb and index finger.
12. Tell patient to relax.
13. Pull plunger on syringe up a bit. (This is called 'aspirating' in nursy language). If you see blood enter the syringe you are in a vein and the fake nurse should rapidly withdraw the syringe, abandon  the procedure, and have a strong alcoholic beverage. If you do NOT see blood, the fake nurse may proceed.  
14. Slowly push the plunger down. Don't wiggle because your husband patient will might complain. Keep as still as possible, even if your hands are shaking violently because you have never done this before.
15. Tell your patient to relax.
16. Once medicine has entered butt area completely, withdraw needle rapidly.
17. Put alcohol soaked cotton pad on hole left in bun and push down (hard if your patient is still complaining) to stop bleeding.
18. BandAid.
19. Kiss.
20. Strong alcoholic beverage for fake nurse; patient can't have any due to antibiotics.

Jim's last injection was today and this fake nurse is SO happy!